S7 E8: Preparing to Launch into the Workforce

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• EPISODE RESOURCES

• EPISODE TAKEAWAYS

  • College or at least the years after high school even without college can be seen as preparation for entering into the workforce. 

  • Once you leave high school it can allow you to have new experiences to explore and figure out who you want to become as you grow into the adult version of yourself 

  • Every experience, including early jobs, can be seen as an opportunity to learn and grow and evolve as a person rather than judging experiences as all good or all bad. It can help you learn how to deal with and confront new and unpredictable situations.

  • Rely on others for support to have the courage to take on new experiences. It does require courage. It also helps to not compare yourself to others and feeling less than others but rather to do the best with what you have.

  • Early work experiences can help you recognize what skills and strengths you do have to rely on or focus on as you decide on a career path, even if the exact career is not the same as the job itself.

  • Everyone's experiences are different in even subtle ways you may never know about so comparing yourself does not oftentimes help. 

  • Zoom out and see the bigger picture of the segment of time you are in and make meaning out of it even if you don't have all that you wished for or expected. There is always a way to make meaning and figure out what you want to commit to and get out of the experiences.

  • Not every job or career is going to feel rewarding everyday. 

  • It can take time to find a purposeful career path. The experiences can come together as a whole to teach you which direction you may want to go. While not everyone may have the privilege or good fortune to end up with a very purposeful meaningful career, it can happen in your own way in your own time especially if you allow the experiences along your journey to be part of the learning, reflecting, and evolving.

  • Japanese word for purposeful work revolving around finding works that embraces your skills, values, and making sufficient income. 

  • Even people who seem to have the high life in their career may actually have behind the scenes struggles. The highlights may not reflect their true everyday experience that can fluctuate in terms of how it is enjoyed and experienced.

  • Don't gaslight yourself with shame if you feel like you don't fit a mold of a particular career that others are pursuing. There are different people for different roles to take on in this life.

  • Wisdom can be LEARNED from others or wisdom can be EARNED by going through experiences. Both can be important. 

  • ACT reminds us to explore and recognize our values around which we can orient ourselves and how we intend to live our life.

  • College can be such a new experience in so many ways that it can lead to being emotionally triggered in ways you never even expect. 

  • It can be so different to live with a stranger in a small room, have professors you can't or don't have a relationship with and who you don't even see after a semester is over, and there's such a lack of structure. 

  • There can be so much pressure for college to be “the best” in all these ways. Even those who appear the most popular and having the most fun may very well be having their own issues and challenges you'd never know about. 

  • Try to accept, with self compassion, the challenges as a way to open yourself up to making adjustments and changes. Carl Jung the famous psychologist once discussed how acceptance is the first step to any change.

  • There can be a lot of diversity and different types of people, backgrounds, experiences, perspectives, goals, and cultures that you can have exposure to if you open yourself to it in a way that perhaps you did not get to have in high school or your hometown. 

  • Its very common to make assumptions about other people, oftentimes in ways that is not founded in reality. This can create so much pressure and expectations about how things should be or how things should go. Try to catch the assumptions and judgments you make and just be open to new people. 

  • Be cautious about the idea that there is a “perfect next step” that leads to the “perfect career”. 

  • Get mentorship and talk with people in the fields of interest. It can give you perspective and learn so much about what you are considering. It can reduce the uncertainty that can contribute to anxiety and maybe even false assumptions and expectations. Be okay to admit you don't know something. Have courage.

  • Find someone you trust to ask the questions you have been ruminating over and obsessing over because you just don't have an answer to the question and are afraid to ask. This is why therapy is so helpful when people are fully honest and open rather than being stuck in their mind on their own.

  • College professors may actually be eager to have you come talk with them so they can share their knowledge, advice, or wisdom.

  • Its also a skill to be able to ask helpful questions.

  • Ask what AI can be useful for and allowed to use so that you can get familiar with this process that you will need to use in the workforce rather than just using AI to do the work for you. 

  • As an intern or job, you can learn nuance and context to jobs like how to read the room and see how others approach situations. Things you can't read about.

  • Not knowing is a skill because its easy to avoid and shut down when you dont know something. When you are younger it's easier to assume elders know everything and you know nothing so you can get intimidated. Truth is, those you put on a pedestal had their own journey of not knowing as well. 

  • Stop trying to control interactions with others. Be fully in it and let it evolve without the pressure and stress of needing things to go a certain way. Socialize and connect with a wide range of people and see what happens. Like in sport psychology we teach athletes to stay present instead of fixating on the outcomes that becomes distracting and creates anxiety. 

  • Think of your past experiences when you took on a challenge or faced a new situation to build confidence.. even if it was a small thing. Don't expect everything to go well or the way you want. Its all perspective. 

  • Maintain even a few key habits that allow you to maintain confidence and strength even in the ups and downs and uncertainty. It could be sleeping well, exercising, getting food with someone, etc. Don't judge the ups and downs so much and catastrophize the downs. Fall back on your habits. You might feel in survival mode when there are so many changes. Fall back on habits while your adjust. 

  • As you get older you may realize its important to take responsibility for the beliefs you hold that hold you back from growing and evolving and not serving you even if they are keeping you comfortable. These protective beliefs may require us to have courage to confront them, understand them, and learn how to outgrow or change them so you can intend to live the way you want to live.

  • Change the context if you're not feeling well. Get outside your dorm. Change your routine to make it work better for you. 

  • John Wooden had a quote “Discipline yourself and others won't need to.”

  • Be honest and open with someone you trust to realize what might be stopping you from making changes. Perhaps the anxiety of the uncertainty and future makes it difficult. Therapy can help get unstuck.

  • Sometimes just saying something out loud helps you to gain clarity. 

  • Use the resources that are available on your campus or town or city of your college or residence. Colleges provide tutoring, academic support, etc. and most of it is free. 

  • Step back and think about what could bring you joy outside of what you think you need to do or patterns like going to parties every weekend. Go explore and be creative with ways to have fun. The little things can end up being the most memorable and joyful experiences of college.

  • PSA Marijuana may be used to cope with distress however despite popular belief and marketing, is bad for executive functions, can be addicting, and can worsen mental health.

  • It can be hard to sit through long lectures passively. Be careful of pathologizing yourself if its difficult or just skip… its very cognitively taxing to sit passively that long. Consider collaborating with your professor in a respectful way to identify ways to make the class more engaging and helpful for learning if many students are all struggling in the same way or are lost. Also, life at work will likely be different than this type of experience sitting passively for hours, especially if it fits your strengths. Keep the hope for the future instead of just giving up. 

  • Reframe conversations as collaboration to reduce the pressure you are putting on the interaction. If you assume something you are bringing up or asking is a confrontation then you may assume the other person will also feel its confrontational. Instead, get on the same page with the other person and find common ground and shared goals and then open up to ideas to collaborate. This can make relationships smoother than both sides trying to control each other. 

  • Don't do work in bed

  • Use a planner. Writing things down can be grounding rather than typing on a digital platform. Use your senses in 3 dimensions.

• TRANSCRIPTION

  Alexis Reid  00:13

  Welcome back to the Reid Connect-ED podcast. Does it seem like life and work is currently moving so rapidly and constantly changing, according to Inside Higher Ed there's a report that handshake, an online platform that helps college students find jobs. Collected data through a 2025 survey that showed that three out of five college students feel pessimistic about starting their career due to competitive job markets and a lack of available positions. Anecdotally, we hear every day college students and the like are worried about AI, the state of the world, the economy, and feeling ready for the positions that they seek. Many people we worked with often come to us sharing that they wish they had known more before, going into this process of figuring out what they want to do for their career, job and life, and we'll talk a little bit about that, but we really want to focus on, how do we prepare young people who are transitioning into the workforce? As a society, it's important that we shift our expectations to not just believe once we get to an age that is appropriate to begin work, that you'll have the skills and know how to thrive once you get there, rather than establishing a narrative of Failure to Launch, like we often see in the media when we're thinking about young people transitioning out of high school or college, we want today to flip that narrative to help young people to be ready to launch. Just changing that language feels better and more hopeful already. Lately, I've been reminding the clients that I work with that our work together is not because there's a lack of skill or issue that has arisen, but that our work together is all about building skills to strengthen the unique aspects that make them them, to help to differentiate and accentuate. What sets them apart from AI and the bots that are being built right now? What are the unique attributes that they will bring with them to add value to their workplaces? How do they want to contribute? We'll be exploring so many of these questions. How we as educators, coaches, mentors, parents, caregivers, therapists and just the adults in the lives of young people, what we can do to better design for and support the development of skills competencies, feeling powerful and having agency, the confidence that young people need to thrive in the workplace. And by no means will this conversation be exhaustive, but we have a plethora of ideas to share, ranging from analog strategies, digital technologies that can assist or be an on ramp, to support skill activation, what we could pay attention to in terms of mental wellness, preparation and so much more. But before we get into things, I want to ask you all this, are there times in your life when you have said, I wish I knew that when sometimes they, whoever they are, say that we see life more clearly in the rear view mirror. So think about it. What are some of the things you might have wanted to learn more when you were entering the workforce? Take a moment to think about your first day of work after formal schooling. Can you picture the night before the morning of the moment you signed your first contract? How did you feel? What were you wondering? How did you do so? Jared, can you think of that first job and what that was like for you? I know more of your history than most of our listeners might know about. So I know that your first job was when you were in high school, but either from that experience or when you were in college, because you also had a coaching job out when you were in college too.

  Gerald Reid  04:02

  For me, as you said, you know, I stayed close, actually, for college for my first two years, so I didn't necessarily feel incredible sense of urgency to have to, like, you know, go away, or, you know, find, quote, unquote, the best college to go to. I actually stayed close to home, went to a university that was nearby home, and I got a job while I was going to class. So I had a full on job coaching high school, you know, two different sports I was coaching on the high school level. And I would say that was really. The time of my life where I wasn't kind of part of my high school group of friends, or kind of the the identity I had as a high school student. I was kind of like out in the world doing something where I had to figure out, like, who am I, outside of being in this small high school, outside of being within kind of the ecosystem I grew up in, and to me, I learned so much about myself because it really forced me to really have exposure to being in new situations, without having the comfort of predictability, without having the comfort of, you know, people knowing me a certain way. I almost had to, like, recreate myself, to feel like, okay, this is who Emma is. Very empowering. It's obviously, you know, scary, and it required a lot of courage, and, you know, definitely had support to be able to do it. But one story I will tell around how I think all experiences really help build us up, if we look at it that way, you know, people, oh, I have to have the perfect experience to build myself up to have a bright future. It's like no, every experience is important. So the story goes that I was coaching basketball. I was 18 years old because I was a young first year college student, because my birthday so I was young. I was literally 18 years old, and I was coaching high school students, and I would take them to their their games, and we showed up at this one school, and I was pretty short when I was younger, and you know, like I wasn't that tall. I kind of grew as I get older, but so we showed up, and I had my team behind me. I'm walking up, I was dressed up, you know, with my shirt and tie, and I go, how you doing, coach? The coach looks at me and he goes, how you doing. Where's your coach? That's me. I'm the coach. So you know, all this is to say, right? Like, I could have been extremely embarrassed. I could have been, you know, like, you know, spiraled from there, while I'm the leader of the team, you know, kind of taking them to, you know, to their game. But you know, and I have a lot of other experiences to share up from that, but I will say, just to set the stage of our conversation, is that every experience you have shapes who you become and who you grow and evolve into. And I think our whole life we're evolving into, like, you know, different parts of ourselves come out, different parts of ourselves grow and evolve and change. And if you look at college as that, rather than, Oh, this is good, this is bad, this is all right, this is all wrong, which a lot of our clients and patients tend to fall into the trap of saying like, Oh, college is good, college is bad. There's no like nuance, there's no contextualization to the journey and the experience and the meaning of it. I think it's really good to see all experiences that's just part of your growth and evolution as a person and and these experiences, you know, require us to reflect, they require us to get support, they require us to adjust and make changes, but it's all part of it, and if we can learn how to do that earlier in college, right, and even in high school, that it prepares us to take on different challenges and different unpredictable situations in the future in the workforce.

  Alexis Reid  07:54

  So I was thinking about, you know, what skills did it take for you to show up as an 18 year old as a coach of an inner city team that you were the leader of, and you had just graduated high school, and I'm thinking about, you know, what are some of the things that help build you up to be courageous and brave enough and strategic enough to be prepared to even have the skill set to step into that role,

  Gerald Reid  08:22

  I would say, certainly support, just having family that's there to support you and build confidence is important. But I wasn't like the best, best basketball or tennis player, right? I didn't have that background. I was like, okay, and but I had something inside of me that I cared about coaching and teaching and building relationships, and so I put enough effort and energy into strategizing. How am I going to approach this? And I think if you have this ability to say, well, I don't have to know everything. I don't have to be the best, right? I could have easily said, oh, there's other basketball or tennis players who can do a better job at coaching, right? And the truth is, like, here I am with this group of kids, like, I'm going to do the best I can for them. I really, I really didn't, and maybe that's just the quality that I've always kind of had to some degrees. I don't really compare myself to other people too much. I kind of focus on myself and like, what is my strategy, what's my way of approaching people, and what are my values? I feel like, as I got older, as an adult, I really grew into really understanding how important that is.

  Alexis Reid  09:31

  So I know you don't really like to talk too much about your own stories, but I I'm I'm focusing in on this for a reason, because one of the things you do really well when you watch you in that role on videotape from back then you're very present, right? And I wanted to highlight that because, you know, as you mentioned, you're not necessarily in your head comparing yourself or thinking, who can do this better? You're like, I'm here in this position. This is my role. This is my job. This is my research. Responsibility to do the best I can right now with what I have, and to use the people around me to support and leverage whatever experiences you're having. And you can see that presence in those moments, and you know it also probably predicated your your or launched you into the career path that you went into. And you know, I have thoughts and memories of the conversations where you did want to just become a professional coach, and then you had to re evaluate and say, Well, you know, what are the benefits or costs of going down that path? And for you, like you just said, you you tapped into your values, you thought about your skills and strengths. And you know, you were very analytic. You may not have been the best player, but you were able to see the whole picture, right? And we'll get into the executive function skills later. But it's like, Can you zoom out and zoom in and then help to integrate what you're seeing and noticing to help support whatever's happening in front of you? And you were really good at that, and you still are

  Gerald Reid  10:59

  totally Yeah. And so it is like, you know, like you said, zoom out and see the bigger picture of what life is to bring and and, you know, it's not like I had, like, a lot of friends at college, because I was a commuter, right? And, but I made so much meaning out of my life at that time, because I was doing the coaching, right? I would try to be friendly people in class. But, you know that so and when I transferred, I had a more of a college experience, but, you know, to your point, it takes time. You're 18 years old. How can you make such big decisions about, you know, nobody even knows what the perfect college is. First of all, that's not like a thing. It's like, you know, it's all based on preconceived notions, and everybody's life is different. But I'm really excited to talk to you about, like the college experience, because we have so many people we work with who go through college and and are navigating not only academic challenges, but this life challenges and and how all that is wrapped up in wonderful tapestry of experiences to launch, as you said, to prepare to launch after college. And there's so many things we can talk about in that realm.

  Alexis Reid  12:02

  Oh, yeah, I'm so excited. But I also want to just make mention that, you know, when you're 18 years old, it's 16 years old, right? When you're still in high school, figuring out what college you want to go to, what career path you might want to take, you know, that's a difficult thing to wrap your head around, right? And and I empathize for these young people trying to figure out, okay, well, what are you going to do for the rest? To do for the rest of your life? You need to decide now, because so many resources, so much time is going to be dedicated to that segment of your life. I say. But if I were to survey most like 30 and 40 year olds and say, What do you want to do with the rest of your life? They might not know. They might not have found, like their profession of purpose. So as we talk about all these ideas and how to make the most of this segment of time, whether you're in college or trying to figure what comes next out in your life, at any point of time in your life, I also want us to think about like, what is this definition and idea of purposeful work? Yeah, because I hear this all the time, people look at me and say, Well, you found your purpose. Like you're doing work that's meaningful to you. That's not where I'm at and I want to offer and hopefully we can, like, continue the conversation around I think it's really important for us to find work that's not just a job that goes through the mundane like same day over and over again, you know, going back to the idea of Groundhog's Day, because we might have a means to an end, but it might not always feel as rewarding. And of course, not everything is going to feel rewarding every single day, life and work and anything that really is worth earning and having is often challenging to get there and to be in that position. And it is truly a privilege and honor to reflect back and have gratitude and feel purpose for what you do. But you know, it takes time to get there. It takes time to figure it out. It's not just No, you know, match a moment in time to a school or to a career path. It really is about having these experiences, to think about that tapestry of like, what goes into making you who you are. Identity formation is lifelong. It's not just totally, you know, you pick a path and that's it.

  Gerald Reid  14:23

  Yeah, totally. And now I would say, just to validate people's experiences, is that, like, not everybody may ever have purposeful work, right? Like, that's kind of a privilege to get to that point, not only a privilege. Sometimes it's kind of like, as you said, you have to go through experiences to figure out what that even is. You know, people matter generally, you Yeah, and a lot of so let's relate this to individuals that we work with, right, like, and just college students, right? If you're young and you really haven't taken the time to reflect on yourself or to, like, think critically and just step back. That's why therapy is so useful, to step back. And just consolidate your experiences and say, wait, never thought about this, you know, like, what about this is meaningful to me? What about this concerns me in a way that's not just complaining, like to your friends or family. It's like more in depth. Get more about, you know, learning about yourself, your motivations. That really is part of the process of figuring out what that purposeful work might be and it may not be 1,000% you're doing like the best job you can ever do in the future, but it could be something that you're moving towards that feels less like you're doing this because other people said, told you to do it, or because there's an expectation, or because you feel like you have to, but it's a little bit more of oh, I'm choosing to do this from an intentional way, which could be hard, especially if you have family pressures, or societal pressures about what you think you should do, or even the uncertainties of, as you said, the economy, about, like, what's going to actually make you money and have a sustainable, you know, financial situation too. So it's, it just takes time, though, like in but does take reflection for sure.

  Alexis Reid  15:55

  So there's, there's a lot of different concepts and models of of how people explore this. You know, sometimes I'll in my work, I'll bring up the Japanese concept of ikagi, thinking about, you know, what is purposeful work that's in line with your your values, your skills, things that are going to actually make you money. And then you can extend further and thinking about all the attributes that actually can fuel purposeful work.

  Gerald Reid  16:17

  What are those aspects? What you said, again, so it's your skills, your values, and

  Alexis Reid  16:21

  something that's going to Strengths make you money.

  Gerald Reid  16:26

  It's like all things could be, in some ways, like a pie chart, like all things could be important to some degree,

  Alexis Reid  16:30

  yeah, and I'll post the image that often goes along with it. There's a lot of books and a lot of literature and and conversations about this, and I'm by no means an expert on it, but I think it's a beautiful idea that you you find work that you feel like you can contribute to, right? So purposeful work isn't necessarily like, you love your job every day, or you wake up and you're like, This is the best thing in the world,

  Gerald Reid  16:53

  as Mia Brown said in our episode, 130 might have a struggle. 130 gonna be like, Oh, this is pretty good. 1/3 is, like, amazing, right? Yeah, even the people who seem like they're living living the high life are actually like, really struggling,

  Alexis Reid  17:06

  yeah, a lot of times. And just because you step into a position or career path that seems like it's right for you, seems like it's perfect, and you have met and accomplished your goals and you're quote, unquote successful, it doesn't mean it's gonna bring joy every day. It's such as life, but this idea of purposeful work, I don't want it to feel like it's such a privilege that it's unattainable, like I really want it to be that, if you are to reflect on on your values, what's important to you, what are your skills and strengths that you can bring into some kind of career path or position, and then also thinking about, you know, how are you contributing in some way? And it doesn't have to be that you're changing the world every single day, but, but perhaps, you know, even in a small way, you're contributing positively to a community. Right to be able to, you know, help to make things a little bit better, or just by showing up and fulfilling your role is actually helping the system, the network, the community of things that are happening in the world, that moves life forward for individuals or the collective

  Gerald Reid  18:13

  Totally, yeah. And if you don't do that, you might end up kind of gaslighting yourself into feeling like you're less than or shameful, right? If you're like, oh, I have to be, you know, the person who like super assertive, super like, type A personality to be successful. And if you're not that, you might gaslight yourself, be like, Oh, what's wrong with me? Yeah, and as you're saying, so important to find out. Well, maybe you're a people person. Maybe you just got to shift. You know what you might want to do that fits your skill set and the environment you're in or the people you're around, maybe like, you know, to each their own, you can still maybe have a relationship with the people like that, but maybe, you know, you don't gaslight yourself and feel like there's something wrong with you. You just the world is filled with different types of people, and thank God there's different types of people, because we need to fulfill different roles in this world. It's all important for different reasons.

  Alexis Reid  19:04

  And I think it's been tricky, because the past 20 or so years, we've been hearing this narrative like, oh, you can do anything. You can do anything. And a lot of times, if you put your mind to it, and you build skill sets and you build proficiencies and a lot of different things, even if it doesn't come completely naturally, maybe you can. But what I'm saying is, can we actually just get better in tune with ourselves, to be able to step into roles and positions that are fulfilling, sustaining and contributing in some way that doesn't feel like there's a ton of friction in every day and everything you have to do when you show up for your

  Gerald Reid  19:40

  work, totally. So, so that's, this is great. We kind of set the stage for purposeful work, and, you know, your values, and let's, I would love to talk about just like experiences college students have, you know, the challenges? Because I think a lot of people listening, they're probably in college. I want to kind of understand, you know what? What is the wisdom? Of looking back, because so many people look back on college like, oh, as you said, If only I knew I could have done this a little bit differently. And we're not suggesting people should have like, guilt and regret. We're just saying, hey, like, this is to give back for people going through college to learn.

  Alexis Reid  20:14

  You know me, I think reflection is what creates learning, right? And if we reflect back, it doesn't mean you're going back and saying, oh, man, I can't believe I did that. It's like, no wait, what wisdom did I gain from that? Totally, right? And what can I share with others so that maybe they can tweak their approach to doing something?

  Gerald Reid  20:32

  I thought of this, this phrase the other day, wisdom is either learned through other people or it's earned. Ooh, yeah, I like that. Meaning earned wisdom is you got to go through stuff, experiences, challenges, confusion, uncertainty, ambiguity, and by going through it, you really internalize the wisdom. It's a little bit different than someone telling you it. And so, you know, both things are important, earning wisdom and earning wisdom.

  Alexis Reid  21:00

  Yeah, I love that. I think that's so important. And know, the benefit of our work is that we get to help people break things down to, like, a more granular level, right? So when I was we keep talking about identity formation, understanding who you are. You know, one of the things that I tend to do is, from act right, acceptance, commitment, therapy, do a values inventory, to be able to say, like, what are the things that you really value? And it's not necessarily like material things. It's like, I value peace, I value independence. On challenges, right, take, I value persistence. I value sometimes you can value the struggle, because the struggle can often be a lot of great learning, but going through a values inventory to figure that out, understanding your preferences, your triggers and your potential challenges and barriers, so that you can create agency to know what you even need when you get out of more of the safer space where people you know might already like know you well enough to adapt or support you in different situations. So when you're out in the world and you're not sure of things you know, how do you ask for what you need? How do you gravitate towards different environments and different spaces and different people that are going to really build you up and support you. So Gerald, what are some examples of, maybe things some of your patients have shared that they learned about, like who they are, their strengths and some of the barriers or challenges that they recognize in themselves, like for me, you know, as much as I love music, and once in a while, if I practice enough, I could probably play it, yeah, but I'm not gonna go and join a band, right? I know I know my limitations, so I know my limitations, but oftentimes, people come to us because somebody has recognized their limitations, or they've encountered a struggle that they're like this doesn't feel good. Help me to feel better or figure out what to do next.

  Gerald Reid  23:08

  I feel like college is like the ultimate like experience, where people get triggered in ways maybe they don't even realize they could have got triggered, because you leave your bubble. I mean, just put this into perspective, you leave your bubble, you go to a different place. Maybe you moved away from your hometown. You probably don't know many people, if anybody, you're living with a stranger.

  Alexis Reid  23:34

  You're in a small closet space that's tiny.

  Gerald Reid  23:37

  You're living in a small space may not even have, may not even have air conditioner, right? You're if it's hot, you have professors who you know professors teach differently than high school teachers most of the time. And the unfortunate truth about professors in college is that they're not they're not necessarily trained to be teachers, and they may or may not have a way of engaging and supporting students in a way that could be helpful, particularly when students are kind of feel disconnected. They don't feel like they're part of a community. They're just going to class and going to another class, going to this class. Oh, this semester's over. You never see that teacher ever again, you know. So there could be that's why I'm saying, as you said, like knowing your triggers, I feel like people I've worked with learn so much about themselves because there's so many new experiences, some of because you're completely out of your comfort zone. You know, in high school, whether you're thriving or floundering, you're still within this comfort and predictability, right? And you still structure and structure, yeah, you know, that's why some people say you'd rather be miserable in a comfortable place that you're familiar with than be somewhere new. Like being somewhere new is all new triggers, all new experiences. And I have found, you know, you can really struggle if you don't open yourself up to the idea that this is all about learning and growth. And one of the things. Things that I find useful for reframing the experience, and the people I've worked with will say something similar. Try not to describe everything as good or bad. There's so much pressure for college to be the best experience to everything's gonna be great. I'm gonna make lifelong friends

  Alexis Reid  25:21

  College, and it looks so much fun. Oh, exactly. It totally looks like so much fun.

  Gerald Reid  25:26

  Oh, well, there's not. You don't have to look at movies anymore. You look at social media, right? And people posting, you know, quote, unquote, highlights of fun. And then you don't see, like the day after the drama, or like the sick, you know, the bad things that happen. People don't post about that. So, you know, you don't really see the challenges. And by the way, everybody you know, to some degree, is going to have some sort of challenges. Even people who look like they're most popular, the most fun, the most party animal, right there, they might be masking problems they have. So what I'm saying is, again, get back to the Don't compare yourself. People I've worked with have really suggested this. Don't compare yourself. Everybody's got a different journey. People have different backgrounds, you know, and saying that this is a good or bad experience, because you have to prove that college is good, or prove that college is, you know, or kind of just feel bad about yourself because it's quote, unquote bad. It's a trap. Life is not just good or bad. Life is it is what it is. And if you can learn to accept acceptance, Carl Jung said, you know, really emphasize this, you can't change or adjust to a new situation until you really accept it. If you don't accept and go back to our episode on acceptance a few seasons ago, it's one of the hardest things to do in life, is to just accept okay. This is not what I expected. This is upsetting, or this feels lonely, or this feels confusing. I feel like I don't know anything compared to the you know. I feel like I'm not doing well. If you don't accept that with compassion for yourself, it's going to be very hard to open yourself up to any process that could help you to navigate it, and it's potentially going to lead to depression, isolation, and that's kind of a challenge, and it could spiral right and so and that could happen on a large scale or a small scale. There's so many things that could happen that trigger people. It could be a relational academic, all this stuff. I think you

  Alexis Reid  27:19

  brought up a really good point that I don't think many people talk about or think about, or think about, is that people come from different backgrounds, right? And it might be geographical backgrounds, cultural backgrounds, a range of different things that people are bringing into a new experience when they they leave one school and they move to another, they leave one job, and they move to another. There is a different culture that exists when different people come together. I would actually argue it's probably one of the best parts about college, because you get a range of perspectives you might not have been privy to or exposed to in the past. Yeah. But the other thing is, and I say this a lot when I work with with schools and and communities, that people may have different goals and different values when it comes to education, or it comes to a new experience, right? Some people just want to get through it. Some people are showing up because they think they have to, right, there's, there's, like, this idea of status, like, you have to go through this to be able to be successful, to be able to, you know, like a video game, move on to the next level, the next stage of life. Yeah, there are some families that have, like, really high expectations. You might be the first person that's going to college from your family, or everybody in your family has graduated. So therefore you have to also, right? There's so many different perspectives and expectations. Expectations, yes, thank You that are that are coming with each person that you don't necessarily know about. They might not even realize that that is an expectation or pressure that they have on themselves. They might be just, you know, thinking, Okay, this is just what I have to do. And then all of a sudden, when things don't go well, there's this shame and embarrassment that creeps up because of, you know, all their experiences, all of the you know, as brumf and Brunner would say, all those these different proximal and distal influences that you carry with you as a part of you and your experience, your life, and who you are

  Gerald Reid  29:22

  totally and we're always making assumptions about other people, and most of the time, they're probably inaccurate, or to some degree or inaccurate. So when you're sitting in college and you're just making all these assumptions about what's going on with other people, like, just catch yourself and be like, Wait, that's literally an assumption. I don't know anything about that person. Let me stop assuming making judgments. Let me just kind of just treat this for what it is, and accept and just be open to experiences and that that goes along with two key points, right, socially and and preparing for whatever career you want to do.

  Alexis Reid  29:55

  I was just gonna say, you know, this reminds me of the episode we just did on social anxiety, right? Like this. Same thing applies when you're in social settings, when you're in a job, when you're in a club team, school, whatever the case might be,

  Gerald Reid  30:08

  yeah, and it's all pressure. The more assumptions, the more judgments you make. It's just creating more and more and more pressure. When at the end of the day, you're just with another person, and you can just say, Hey, what's up? Like, let's get to know each other, right? That it's as simple as that. You know, you want to try to keep things simple and not have all these expectations and assumptions about how things should be. It's also the same thing is true as a as it applies, I think, to career development so people we work with, right? Like, there has to be the next step. Has to be the perfect internship, the perfect step to getting to the perfect job, right? And this is like a belief, it's a strong internalized belief that there is this, as you said, video game next step that has to happen if you want to have the best career and outdo everybody else. And the reality is, like, life does not work like that. Like true. Maybe for some people, like that leads them to something and but they may be miserable by while they're doing it right, or maybe that's not actually the best path for them in the long run. And as you and I always talk about, like, when you're young, you have, like, if you get leave college, you're young, you have, hopefully, the opportunity to try different avenues. Maybe try a job, see if it works out, try a different job. See, in the same thing that goes during college, try an internship. Try a different internship. Talk to different people who do different careers. Get mentorship. Talk to people in the field. I tell people this all the time, what are your professors? Reach out to people and just say, Hey, I'm I just want information about, like, what's going on in the field. How else are you supposed to know, like the ins and outs of stuff?

  Alexis Reid  31:42

  Yeah, so I always say that the point that I made before that you never know what people are coming into, and the value of college or being a part of a new environment is really to gain perspective that you might not have been exposed to before, but it's also to be able to talk to people who have expertise, right? You can learn so much information now in so many different ways, right? This podcast is one example of how you can learn a lot of information in a short period of time, let alone AI and Google and YouTube and all the things that people get, all the places people go to learn information. But college is really about networking and building relationships and learning from other people who might have been exposed to different things built expertise in a different place, that even if it's not what you're totally into, it might overlap in some way, or they might know somebody that knows something that you're really into, that helps to build that bridge and make those connections. But it comes down to like, being comfortable enough to admit that you don't know something, to make a connection with somebody that maybe you've never talked to before, yeah, or you've never seen anybody who even looks like them before, and putting yourself out there and being curious. I always say curiosity. You know, curiosity sometimes gets a bad rap, but I think curiosity is probably one of our greatest skills and strengths if we're open to it.

  Gerald Reid  33:13

  Yeah, and it takes courage to be curious. Because, you know, for me, when I was a student, I'm remembering and I I tell my graduate students all the time come to me with questions that you just have been ruminating over and you're afraid to ask. You know, it might seem like a dumb question, a weird question. That's the type of thing that mentor trip is really good for. And you know, students we work with will say, you know, college professors could be pretty chill. They could be welcoming. They could be like, hey, yeah, let's talk. Let's have a conversation. They may like, love the fact that there's a student who is actually number one listening in their class and showing up and not not skipping class. By the way, don't skip class because it's a slippery slope. And then, you know, routine is actually important. Why not go paying for it? You know, I understand that. You know, not all classes are as engaging and useful in some different ways, but it's a slippery slope of you know, routine is helpful for people and it keeps things moving. But all that to say is that professors, like, literally may be excited that you actually want to talk to them, so don't be afraid or intimidated. Like, oh yeah, like, and ask them the questions that you've been rumiting. The hardest part about life for people sometimes is they have secrets. They have things that they're afraid to say or ask because they're afraid of the judgment when you can begin to open up. That's why therapy's so useful. You can begin to open up and like, Just be honest and talk about it. That's freedom. That's like, where real learning happens. That's when you get unstuck, because you're just kind of stuck in some thought pattern. And think

  Alexis Reid  34:40

  about it this way. Gerald, how many years of school were you in your schooling and training? It's a blur, probably like, I don't know, from kindergarten until you finished your doctorate and your post doctorate work very, very long, 30 something years, right? So think about it this way, if professors are studying and training for that much of. Their lives. Yeah, don't you think they want to talk about it?

  Gerald Reid  35:04

  Part of this podcast is like, giving back and saying, Hey, like, here's some ideas that we've gathered. You know,

  Alexis Reid  35:09

  yeah, absolutely okay. So, so the other piece that I think goes along with this is, you know, talking to people who have dedicated a good portion of their lives to doing a thing or learning about something, you can ask them, like, Hey, I am interested in fill in the blank. What skills should I be developing? Yeah, to get to the next phase, because this is the other piece too. Is, you know, in a world where we can get 32nd sound bites, or we could watch a YouTube video and think we know all the things like these skills need to be developed. I've been I've been saying a lot, and I've been talking about this in the context of AI, because I have so many students who think that their work needs to be the best, and if they turn in just their authentic work, they don't think it's good enough. Oh, interesting. So they're using AI to, like, refine their work. And I'm like, is this authentically you

  Gerald Reid  36:00

  also, when I get emails that look like they're AI generated, kind of, like, turn off, like, I just want to hear you. Yeah, I don't care if it's not perfect. I don't want

  Alexis Reid  36:09

  to right in there. You know, we could talk about perfection for many episodes, as we already have. But like, the idea of things being too polished and too clean is actually not what folks in professional lives are really looking for. Like, there's a place for that, for sure, but like the the grittiness, the authenticity, like that shines through as curiosity, that shines through as care. And, you know, I have a lot of people who think that things need to be a certain way, yeah. And you know, they they get intimidated by doing it themselves. So the thing I keep telling people, and I really wanted to say this here so other folks can hear it, is that, you know, my new Alexis ism, and you know, maybe we'll refine this over time, but right now, it's like, if you go to the gym, you might have a coach or a trainer to help spot you, yeah, right, so that maybe you can improve and you can get a little bit better, yeah, but you're not gonna have that coach or the trainer do the lifting for you, no, right? So it's kind of like, in my opinion, AI, right? Like that can help you to grow and improve and give you different perspectives sometimes, yeah, but it

  Gerald Reid  37:19

  can't do it for you, and it can't predict nuance and context. Well, right now, so far, no, definitely can't. So like, for example, I'm gonna give a shout out to Justin sheriff, who was one of the, you know, amazing producers and engineers here, and he just had a Instagram video that came out, and he was saying, Look, if you're an intern, you're gonna learn so much, because you get to see the room. You get to see how people interact. You get to read the room and figure out how to interact with your client, and kind of see the nuances and the context. You can't learn that until you experience it. Goes back to that earned wisdom. Got to be courageous. You have to be like, You got to be you got to come across as not knowing anything, and just be like, Oh, wow, I never knew that. And like, it's okay. It's totally okay. And like, not every job or experience you're gonna have people may even forget about you, like, five years from now, so it's okay if you're not gonna be perfect, like they're not gonna remember the fact that you messed up once or a couple times, like they're gonna move on. You know, like, this is for you to learn and grow. So, like, don't be so self conscious. Like, just, you know, courageous

  Alexis Reid  38:25

  in that. So an extension of my Alexis ism as as my clients call them, is that, you know, we don't want somebody else or something else to do it for us. We need to put in the reps ourself, right? And when we think about the neuroscience behind it. You know, fires together, wires together, right? The more we practice, the more we like get over these challenges. Get over these these barriers or bumps that we've done the reps like I've done it a couple times, it's starting to feel easier. Now I can maybe add a little bit more on, and I can keep going when you put in those reps is when you start to feel more comfortable and confident. And, you know, I think there's, there's this, like, again, slippery slope, as you said before, of like feeling too comfortable in situations. Because I think that, that there's benefit

  Gerald Reid  39:15

  to that, yeah, don't show up in your pajamas, right?

  Alexis Reid  39:18

  But there's also, like, the other side of it, that, like, sometimes a little discomfort is where we grow, yeah, but we need to, and this is where I hope you can share some of your wisdom and some of your examples and work like, how do you get through the discomfort of not knowing I was just talking to, you know, our crew here at cyber Sound Studios about my experience going to a conference in Hawaii that I had never been to before? Yeah, and I was a lot of, like, research scientists from a lot of universities, and I had a moment where I was like, you know, I was like, am I? Am I supposed to be here? Like, I don't know a lot of what they're talking about. And I had to check myself and be like, Oh, no, Alexis, it's actually okay not to know, right? This is why you're here, to be exposed to new things and different people taking different approaches than you do, and that's what helps you to grow. So if I'm feeling that at this stage of my career and this age of my life, you know it's it's it feels amplified when you're younger and you don't have the experiences of facing so many new things in such a high level or a specific context, that feels so intimidating, right?

  Gerald Reid  40:27

  Yeah, that's the word I was gonna say, intimidating. Yeah, it feels intimidating like everybody knows everything, and I'm just like a peon, you know?

  Alexis Reid  40:35

  Well, I don't know if I felt like

  Gerald Reid  40:36

  a peon, but no, yeah, when you're really young, just like, it could feel that way? Yeah, I mean, we both, obviously, everybody feels that way. When you're young, you're intimidated by everybody. Put people on a pedestal. You think everybody's like some incredible human being and reality, like they're human beings. They're flawed human beings too. They're not perfect, and they have a lot to share, and you learn from them, but like they're a human being too, and they had their own journey. You know, you just don't know about it.

  Alexis Reid  41:03

  So how do you help people who are facing uncomfortable new situations? I mean, it's not even about just feeling comfortable again. I don't think that's the answer. It's not all or nothing. It's like, how do you just, like, sit with the discomfort enough to be open to whatever is potentially gonna be an opportunity to learn.

  Gerald Reid  41:22

  Well, I would say it goes back to what we were saying before, is openness and not having all these expectations about how things should go, how things should be. This goes with relationships, friendships. It goes with the type of class you're taking in the job. If you can kind of just accept that whatever this is going to be, it's going to be, you can't control what this is going to become. Yeah, this person might become your friend. This person might become someone who employs you, or they may not, like, stop trying to control it and try to just be fully in it. And whatever happens, happens. But things can't evolve if you're closed off, you know? And so, like, you know, someone was suggesting, you know, I was fielding ideas, and one of them suggesting, like, when you first go to college, just just socialize with as many people as you can. Just be open to it. Don't think about the outcome. Just open yourself up and see what happens. Because you never know, like, you might become friends with one person. Like, don't put all your eggs in one basket. But like, just be open. Because, like, that's the time to do it, try activities that you actually are interested in and are intrinsically motivated by, just, you know, like, without this preconceived notion of how things should be, or if it's good or if it's bad, that allows you to be okay with the uncertainty. You know, people struggle with uncertainty when they feel like it has to go a certain way. That's not to say you shouldn't prepare and try to, like, put your effort into it, like, I I'm not suggesting you don't work hard and prepare and and really, like, make plans and strategize, like, but at the end of the day, you can't control these outcomes. You know? That goes back to sports and performance psychology. It's like, stop fixing on the outcomes. You got to be present, or else you're going to get distracted and anxious.

  Alexis Reid  43:03

  So it's so there's a couple things there that you said. Number one, I kind of love the phrase from DBT of like, Stop shooting all over yourself, right? Like, if you just should, should, should, then you're, like, actually just putting yourself further down. And there's this idea of this, like, inner coach that I talk a lot about in my work. It's like, how do you help to coach yourself through these situations? And it's not like, I should. It's like, what have I done before that helps me move forward? Like, when we're coaching ourselves, it's, it's nobody really listens to the person who's like, Oh, you're gonna be great. You're gonna be great. We talked about this in the parenting episode, right? That like, it's like, well, I want to be great, but I well, if I'm not great, what happened if I'm not great? Or what does great look like? Or how do I achieve great? Be great? Yeah, it doesn't always have to feel good. And there's this idea of, you know, what does that look like, and what does that mean? But I think one of the things this inner coach can do is, when you think of any challenge that you overcome, it could be the smallest thing. It could be like, I really didn't want to get to class because I was so tired this morning, but I did right like, anything you can think of that's like, I did something that felt challenging and I overcame it. It could be the smallest things. Like, I really didn't want to brush my teeth before bed, but I forced myself to, and now I feel like, at least I accomplished that thing, you know, the smallest thing. So when we coach ourselves in this inner coach to help us be more present and to remember that we can do instead of shooting all over ourselves, is like, Okay, what's a thing that I know I've overcome or I've done or I felt good about. You know, the same thing goes with visualization. When you visualize the outcome, when you visualize something that feels good, or you feel like you've earned and accomplished before, it helps you to move forward in the in the moments that you don't always feel like you have the hope or the presence or the you. A openness for Yeah, totally.

  Gerald Reid  45:03

  I'm also going to bring back kind of your your expertise and executive function. So think about having habits. Even if you have one or two habits that you really are consistent with and commit to and prioritize, maybe it's sleep, maybe it's using a planner, right? If you have certain habits, maybe it's going to the gym and exercising or whatever it is, or getting out to get dinner with your friends or somebody, right? If you have habits that you commit to, whatever the ups and downs of life are, you can still lean on these habits and feel like, well, you know what, I slept pretty good, so I feel pretty energized today, or I went to the gym and I feel like I got some energy out, or I had lunch with my friend, and that really felt good, right? These are little things, but the little things matter, especially through the ups and downs of life. That's why consistency is so important for these habits, because they're gonna sustain you through the ups and downs. And it's also important, like I said before, don't judge the ups and downs so much, because you can just spiral from judging yourself, just kind of fall back on your habits and say what things could change. Give it time. Don't catastrophize and, you know, catastrophize everything. Give it time, but the habits help you to stay kind of steady, you know. So start thinking about what you want your habits to be and choose them for yourself. Don't do it because other people told you, but you don't. But choose it and feel good about it. Feel like, Yeah, I did my hat, but I feel good about it.

  Alexis Reid  46:26

  Yeah, there's so much research on this. And the same goes with what I said with neuroscience. Like when the neurons fire together, they wire together. So the more you do a thing, the more reps you put in, the more automatic some of these behaviors become. And one of the things I keep telling a lot of my students, who are seniors, or those who are, you know, starting their first jobs, is don't wait until you get the job, or don't wait until you arrive where you're aiming for to live the life you want to live. Right? So I keep sharing with them I'm like, you know, for this segment of time right now, you're not there yet. But what are the things you have control over right now? What time do you want to wake up in the morning? Do you want to exercise every day? Do you want to make time in your day to, like, have a social interaction and do something fun? Do you want to build in your hobbies? Like, these are actually things that I wish I got better at before I started working, because then it was like, you know, all the things came together really quickly. Oh yeah, you kind of survive it. And then it takes a lot of time, like, a lot of times when you start your first job, or you even just show up at school, sometimes you do go into survival mode because things are so different. So this idea of, like, forming habits, building routines. It probably is one of the best stabilizers that we can have in our lives to say, like, even, you know, at night, this is what I'm going to do to wind down, or in the morning, I'm going to reach out to somebody I care about. That's going to help motivate me to start my day. Like, the littlest things go a really long way, and it's those are things we have control over. And it doesn't have to be everything. You know, the book make your bed, by that former Navy admiral, the one thing that you start with can become a domino effect that leads into so many different aspects of your life. So you might say, oh, you know, waking up at a certain time and making my bed, you know, why does that matter if I don't have anything to do today? Or what does that matter if I don't have to show up to class till three, or my shift isn't until six, whatever the case might be? Well, it

  Gerald Reid  48:29

  matters because of what you're saying is, you know, as you get older, you really realize this is that a large part of how your life feels is what you intend. You know, like as you're younger, you kind of rely on other people to feel good or to take care of you or to help you, and like, as you get older, you realize like, look, I have to take responsibility for how I want to approach life. Nobody can do it for me. There's a whole other side of this is that we also still have to learn how to rely on other people, because if you don't, you take on too much and it's too much pressure to feel like you're responsible for everything about your life. That's not what I'm saying that creates anxiety when you feel like you have to control everything and intend everything. I'm not saying that. What I am saying is like it is really important your intentions guide what you do, whatever you intend, even if it's intending to avoid things or that you feel like you're insecure and you're not good enough, your intentions begin to spiral into avoiding things. And it's a it's a self reinforcing cycle. If you can begin to have courage to say, hey, look, I'm going to take responsibility for this. I'm going to realize that my thoughts, my beliefs, are actually not serving me. They're actually keeping me comfortable, right? I'm not judging people. We all do this. I do that. Everyone does it, but we sit there, kind of realize that it's a self reinforcing cycle only because it's protecting us from the possibility of rejection and failure. Yes, and that comes back to courage. We need help with courage, we need help. I need, I rely on, you know, people in my life to feel courageous. We need, we need people, you know, find a therapist, right? That's. Part of doing life is to have courage and not letting these self reinforcing cycles of I don't believe in myself, so I'm gonna avoid things, because I don't intend to break free of this pattern, right? I'm not saying it's easy, absolutely not, but that's why we also have to rely on other people to help support us through that.

  Alexis Reid  50:16

  I'm putting you on the spot again because I think this is helpful. If folks can think of a symbol or an image or a motto or whatever it is to help them get through to feel more courageous. I don't know if you actually do this in your life, but Mom and I often will tell you, like, be the Terrero. So your university undergraduate degree is from University of San Diego. That are the terreros? Coincidence, right? You know, we're always like, hey,

  Gerald Reid  50:41

  you know, by the horns, what she always says, grab the bull by the horns. Right, right. When I was younger, I would get frustrated, like Mom, all right, but she was right, right.

  Alexis Reid  50:51

  But like, whatever a symbol is in your mind, of like, this is what courage looks like to me. This is what it feels like in my body to be courageous, to be brave, like, to hold on to that symbol as like, in the moment where you don't feel that, that you can, like, bring it up, and you can cultivate that. That's a really helpful thing. But I was thinking about what you were saying before, and I can't tell you if I had a quarter for every conversation I've had with either a parent or a teenager or college student who was like, my parents have put these, these structures in my life, and I just don't want to do this. Or, you know, I'm 18 years old, how come I have like, limits on my cell phone, or what time I have to be home at a certain time, or whatever the case might be, these limits, these structures that adults in your life put on you are actually for a reason, right? We want them to be reasonable. We want them to make sense. But oftentimes, in a moment where all you want is independence and to quote, unquote, do what you want to do, yeah, like they don't make sense. But in reality, let's think about the alternative, where there is no structure in your world, when there is no structure in your world. And I'm guilty of this sometimes too, when I have nothing planned, it's really easy for me to just like, zone out, or like, chill out. And believe me, I also want to emphasize that sometimes we need that. And for me, it's like my brain needs to turn off. I need to not be engaged and focused and doing things. But when there's no structure, it's very difficult to be able to engage in productive behaviors that often help us to feel good. And when I say productive behaviors, doesn't just mean like tasks and chores, it also means hobbies and things you enjoy and getting out and seeing just getting out of bed in the morning, out of bed in the morning, right? So, so it's so interesting that, like sometimes the things that we reject when we're younger are the things that sustain us later in life. But we and this is for the adults out there, we need to also help young people, to help them figure out, what is their cycle, what is their system, what is their flow that helps them? Because everybody's a little bit different, and that's okay, too, and

  Gerald Reid  53:00

  there's there could be different reasons why they're struggling. And so John Wooden, one of the best basketball coaches of all time, from UCLA, he had a quote, discipline yourself so other people don't have to discipline you. Ooh, I love that, right? I do want to put this into context. Part of this is understanding what is making it hard to do it, yes, hard to do these things that you know are habits and routines, right? And there could be a lot of reasons, and that's why it's so important to be honest and open, go to therapists, talk to somebody who you trust, right? Is it maybe because you're thinking about the future so much and you're crippled by the possibilities of things that could go wrong or things that are out of your control, which is like, yeah, I get that. That's like, fair, and you're just so caught up in this anxiety of, like, having to make decisions or this or that, right? Maybe you need help with that, or maybe you just need to ask questions to your professor, or to get go to the tutoring service in college, right? There's, there's all these, you know, hopefully colleges have access to supports to, like, figure out what you don't know, instead of kind of just getting stuck. So part of the courage is not to just, like, take responsibility and have a different mindset, but it's also to have the courage to ask for guidance and help when you need it, rather than just staying stuck. And maybe you don't get the perfect advice or the perfect lesson, but it could be better than nothing, or at least it kind of moves you in a direction of seeking out answers rather than getting stuck.

  Alexis Reid  54:20

  Yeah, for sure. You know it makes me think also about just college in general. There's, there's often more resources on a college campus than nearly anywhere. Most of the time they're free. And to your point of like, just, just go and listen, it might not be exactly what you need, but it might get you closer to what you need. I think that's a really important point, because sometimes just saying things out loud to somebody else, yeah, helps you to gain clarity for yourself totally the other thing too is that I want you know whether you live in a city like we do, or you are on a college campus, there's often so many free talks and like really rich resources that you can expose yourself. To to learn about something that maybe you didn't even think you were into. Yeah, right. But use that. I always say, can you like, double up? Can you like, turn that into a social outing where somebody comes with you and you have dinner before, or you go hang out afterwards and talk about what you just heard, or maybe you just show up and it wasn't for you, and you go, and that's okay too. Like, there's, there's all these points of exposure and experience and connection that sometimes don't exist outside of this time, where if you don't have a partner, if you don't have children of your own, if you're not supporting other people, you have more flexibility than nearly any time in your entire life.

  Gerald Reid  55:38

  I don't know about you, but some of the best memorable experiences of college were the little things with someone I went to go and do something with, definitely, you know, so to your point, like that could be just like, a nice experience. And it's so easy for college students to get into these patterns of doing the same thing over and over and over, yeah, or maybe, you know, they fall into the habit of going to parties, which is like, you know, to each their own. But think it's important to, like, step back and say, Well, what else is going to bring me joy or happiness? You know, do I have to go to the parties all the time? Could I go explore the city I am living in? Can I go, you know, do an outdoor activity that, like, nobody is thinking of, you know, like, sometimes, like people are working, they're like, nobody likes to hike or ski. It's like, they think I'm weird because I like those things. It's like, well, maybe they're not having creative ideas of what to do, other than go to a party or get high or something. When it's like, there's there's so many things you can do that could be enjoyable, right? And by the way, this is a PSA. This is my bias. It's like, don't think that pot is healthy if you continuously do it. I've seen many, many, many, many times it's bad for your executive function. It's a habit that you can end up doing all day because it's very convenient to do it all day. And we have sound that this is our experience. It doesn't help people get through college better. If you're using it to cope, that's understandable. People use substances to cope with emotional distress. That's pretty much how it functions. A lot of times there is an addictive quality to it, you know, seek out support, or at least consider the possibility of rethinking this habit. I have to say it because it's not always talked about, and it's kind of glorified, that it's like a healthy remedy, and it's like this perfect thing, that perfectly normal thing. I have found that it's a very slippery slope of smoking pot, and we have seen that it's not very helpful for people in the long run if they continue to use it over and over. So just be careful with that. It's a PSA, because a lot of people are just not bringing this up. So I'm

  Alexis Reid  57:30

  really glad you said that, because I just had a conversation with a client this week where I said, you know, if you're if you don't plan to drink when you're going out with your friends, plan ahead, right? Simple executive function behavior. Can you plan ahead and say, I'm going to bring a non alcoholic seltzer or something that you're still participating in the action of, like drinking, but it's something that's healthy and good for you that you feel comfortable with? Yeah, right. So same goes if you know you're going to be around people that are smoking pot, like or or doing something that you know doesn't feel right for you and your body and for yourself, like there's other alternatives that you could be mindful of, right? There's a lot of non alcoholic beverage options that look like cocktails that maybe will make you, you know, feel like you're still a part of the community, but not indulging and engaging in a way that you know isn't good for you and your body. So we could talk about all of that, and we will in other episodes too, because I know we really want to bring an expert on to talk about cannabis use and the especially the neuro implications of smoking pot, because especially from an executive function perspective, you know, I always say to people who come in to me and they're like, Oh, I smoke pot daily or weekly, and I'm like, Well, what are we working on? Right? Because the work we're doing together, you're actually doing the opposite of by impacting the development and stifling the development of your executive function skills. But that aside, you know, I really want us to think about these things that we have some control over. And all these things we've been mentioning are things that whether we know exactly what we want for the future, if we're on a path or trajectory to have our most purposeful job or not, there are things you can still start to work on and practice again, like I keep saying to a lot of my clients lately, can we live the life that you want to have that when this new phase of life comes in that it doesn't shift and change things too much, right? Because any new experience, any transition in life, can feel really unsettling because it's new. How do we stabilize ourself, enough with habits, routines, having support systems around you, practicing skills that you know will be beneficial in the future. How do we start doing that sooner than just waiting for the time to happen where we end up in a job? And I would say that this helps to create a, you know, a more healthy, valuable worker that's going to enter a new workplace, because you know who you are. You. You know what helps you? I always say, you know, what are the optimal conditions that help you to be the best version of yourself? What do we need to do to practice that sooner than later? And for the adults in the life of young people who are going through this phase of life, college or entering the workforce, you know, we can design opportunities to stabilize and support this. We can encourage them. If you are a college professor, by all means, get in touch with either Jerry and I, because we would love to share some wisdom, but we can. We can build in opportunities for young people to pause, reflect and practice like we can build that into our classes. And in fact, Jerry and I often do, like, how do we help you to stabilize who you are? So the next phase of your life, the next class you take, the next job you have, you're ready for it?

  Gerald Reid  1:00:50

  Yeah, totally. And also remember, right, if college, if you're if you're having a hard time sitting through three hour lectures, or whatever the lecture is, like, Don't pathologize yourself too much like that. That could be hard for anybody. Like, I was talking to a professor the other day, and he's like, Yeah, you know, we had a guest lecture, and he came in and he talked for three hours, and I was sitting there with the students, and I'm like, Man, that's a long time to sit there and listen. He's like, you know, having empathy for the students, and that's why we always talk about, like, you know, making classes more engaging and all that stuff and giving breaks. But, you know, part of what I'm saying about going through college is like, Don't pathologize yourself if it's hard to just sit there passively for a long time and think that, oh, this could this means I'm not going to be a good worker, you know, like, maybe you just got to find a way to get through it and find a way to kind of self regulate, take breaks, or whatever it is, or talk to the restaurant, engage yourself, or ask questions. Or ask questions, whatever it is, but remember, like once you go into the workforce, hopefully maybe you're the type of person you'll thrive in the workforce, but maybe not so much in that classroom setting, where it's more passive and you're just kind of sitting there and trying to focus for a long time, which, by the way, it's depleting to sit there and try to focus for three hours. It's like not normal. So don't mythologize yourself and think less of yourself if that's hard. That doesn't mean you give up and skip class. But what I'm saying is,

  Alexis Reid  1:02:07

  like, again, these classes cost a lot of money, yeah, try to get the most out of them.

  Gerald Reid  1:02:12

  Keep your optimism that you know, things could change. The context could change. You know, sitting in a classroom setting is not the way life is going to be as you get older, you know, use it for what it is. And remember, keep that optimism that you can still thrive in a different context, a different setting, because you know, the workplace is different, you know, and ideally, you find, as you said, a job that fits your characteristics, fits your strengths, fits your personality and the way that your mind works.

  Alexis Reid  1:02:36

  So to your point, if there is a class or a situation that you feel like, does not support you in the way in which you learn best. You know, I want to emphasize that you really can advocate for what you need. You can share like, you know, I have a student in high school who said, you know, my Spanish teacher is doing a lot of activities in classwork, but I don't have practice speaking Spanish. I said you should ask for that, right? Like that's you're not asking for something outside of the realm of what's reasonable. Like, you want to learn Spanish, you should be practicing it. Same goes in college. I think there's this expectation that something needs to be wrong with me to get the accommodations and supports I need. And there's a big conversation in education world around our scaffolds and supports in higher ed like reasonable and by all means, they are right. When you know your preferences, you know what you need to be in the optimal learning conditions, like you should be asking for that. And if you don't feel comfortable, find somebody to advocate for and with you, or to practice with you. And the same goes if you're on a team or if you're in a group, you know, take these opportunities where stakes might be a little bit lower to practice. Because when you get into the workforce, you're going to want to ask, you know, what are the expectations? How is technology used? Can I apply and use AI to help support me to figure out what I need to do or to refine my approach? You know, AI helps me organize my thoughts and ideas so that I can get to writing my report. Is that appropriate? You know, we have to get clear about the expectations so that we can do our best, so that we can learn how we learn best, and how we're going to show up and contribute. So if you are in college, or if you aren't in, like, your dream job or, like a professional path that you're looking for, yet take the opportunity of the context of where you are to practice right practice asking, like, what are the expectations of my role? Am I supposed to stay here an hour after everybody else leaves to finish what I'm doing? Is that normal? Like, how can I adapt my approach to be more efficient or to better learn what I need to be learning? I think about myself in some of my first teaching positions, where oftentimes I was the last person to leave the school, like, you know, should I have been putting in. Those extra hours is that? Was that a part of my job description? I'll never forget when I joined a new school here in Boston, and my head of school sat down and said, Are you excited about the overnight trips? And I said, What is that part of my job? I didn't realize I have to be away from home for multiple nights, responsible for multiple children, right? And and, you know, even thinking about contracts, you know, ask questions when you're not sure what the expectations are. Gain clarity. Same goes with schoolwork. The same thing goes and applies in school as it will in the workforce. You need to be able to gain clarity and not to expect that you just know everything. When you step into a position, whether you're a student, whether you're a worker, whether you're a parent or CO parent, right, you still have to ask questions so that you can have clarity to know what you need to do and what's what you're responsible for.

  Gerald Reid  1:05:53

  It creates a lot of anxiety. If you feel like you can't ask questions and you think that you're supposed to know everything, it's like way too much pressure. I'm imagining being a college student. And if any college student does this, and if it works, that would be incredible. Go up to your teacher halfway, maybe, like a third or halfway through the semester, and say, Hey, like, I just wanted to chat with you about this. Be very respectful and relational. Have a relationship with them first, and say, Hey, I had this idea of how we might maybe, kind of, maybe part of our class, we can do this activity to learn in a different way, like, for instance, when I am, when I'm teaching grad school, I'll, I'm not going to wait till the end of the semester where they give me the course evaluations. Halfway through the semester, I send them a form. It's like, give me feedback. What can we do that's going to help this semester end on a good note and feel like we are, you know, adjusting and making this as engaging as possible and helpful. What's helpful, what's not helpful, it's all part of the process. It's like a big experiment. You get to be part of the experiment. I have to be humble enough to accept that and make some changes when it's necessary, you know. And so, like, I don't feel like any college students do this with their professors. But I'm curious if college professors would actually be humble and open enough to feel the question like that and say, hey, yeah, maybe we can think about learning in this way, or trying a different way of teaching this because, you know, and maybe you can say, hey, like I talked to a lot of the students, we're kind of lost in this area of the class. Is there a different way we can learn this, or we can participate in the class. Maybe this is asking too much, and maybe it's like, you know, hard to ask, and it's also maybe too much ask of the professor, but that would be ideal.

  Alexis Reid  1:07:29

  I will say that some of my best ideas have either been from a co collaboration with students or student creatively coming up with something that they thought of that worked for them. So if you know, for all the educators out there, especially professors, you know, be open to this process, it's, it's an, it's a mid semester redesign, yeah, but I would argue that it potentially can set you up for success in the future. So sometimes, you know, it's the same goes when you're a student or when you're in the workforce too, that sometimes we need to press pause, check in, ask for feedback, be open to receiving feedback, which is often very challenging. Takes bravery and courage to be open enough for that too, and then think, Okay, well, what can I do to refine my approach? Because it might feel uncomfortable in that moment, but it might lead to greater opportunities, more efficiency in the future.

  Gerald Reid  1:08:22

  So the last thing I'll say as we get to the end of the episode is, in light of this, treat these types of conversations, not this with your professors, not just with your roommates, not just with your friends or the organizations you're part of on college campuses. Treat this as not a confrontation, because I feel like this generation and just people in general, are so afraid of confrontation, yeah, treat it as a bolder. It's hard. I don't blame people for being afraid of confrontation, but if you reframe these conversations, not as confrontation, but as collaboration, yeah, I love that collaboration, because if you feel like I'm talking to you because we're collaborating, you're gonna assume that they're gonna also enter the collaboration. If you're going into a conversation thinking this is a confrontation, I'm hesitant about this. I don't want to upset them. I don't want them to be upset with me, right? You're gonna assume that they also think this is a confrontation, and it's gonna create all this pressure, all this anxiety, all this like tenseness to the conversation. It's probably gonna make you talk in an odd way, because you're like, tense and stressed, and so what I'm saying is, you have the power within you to say, I'm intending how this is going to be presented. And they can accept it or not. Maybe they do treat as the confrontation. I can't control that.

  Alexis Reid  1:09:35

  But you know what we say? Right? What's the goal? Right? What's the goal of this conversation? What's the goal of this work together, yeah? And if you can get really clear on that goal and say, you know, I'm looking for feedback, I want to work together with you. I need to problem solve this. Can you help me to do that? Let's get on the same page. Like, sometimes you just have to let it out, right? Sometimes you're just sharing and letting it out, yeah? But like getting clear on that goal and seeing it as a collaboration. And as you're saying, is

  Gerald Reid  1:10:00

  huge, yeah. And the goal, like any relationship, you want to find a shared goal, right? If the shared goal between you and your roommate is that you guys get along, and you guys find ways that work, treat it like that. Be like, Hey, this is what we both care about. Let's collaborate and find ideas to make this work together, because we're going to live together for a year, you know? As opposed to like, oh, you need to change this, or I don't like what you're doing, right? So start with a shared goal, and then make it open. Say, Hey, let's think of ideas together. The same thing as they're saying with your professor. Say, Hey, we all have the goal of learning. We all want to learn. You want to teach us so that we learn. We want to be here to learn. Like, if that's your attitude, it's a collaboration. And you're not being condescending to your teacher. You're not like, oh, this class is terrible. It's like, hey, like, let's just talk openly and be respectful and know your place in some ways, but like, also find a way to any relationship is like that. Treat it as a collaboration, not as a confrontation. And it might just, you know, make your energy a little bit calmer and a little bit more open, and it might, in turn, allow them to do the same.

  Alexis Reid  1:11:05

  So a couple quick takeaways that are coming to my mind, and please add on as I go thinking about what is our purpose, what is our goal? Gain clarity, not only in our goals our actions, but also in thinking about who we are, what are our values? What do we care about? What is purposeful work in our lives that we would feel comfortable based on our skill set and our interests that can also nourish and sustain us in life, thinking about every experience and interaction more as a journey and a process that we are learning from and hopefully learning together with others in some collaborative exchange, and that if you have skills that you know need to be developed, there's no right time to start practicing them. We can practice as soon as we think and notice that it would be helpful. And in fact, our suggestion is to start with very simple routines and making sure you're just integrating things you like to do and things that you know help to be more optimal in supporting yourself, and that actually will help to stabilize your life a little bit for when things shift and change, and hopefully minimize some of the stress and anxiety that comes up around being uncomfortable being in new situations and transitioning or changing into different aspects of life. And you know, get clear about what does help you right? What are the tools or strategies or supports or people that allow for you to do your best work and to be your best self, that you can bring into every single day. You don't have to wait for the best position or the best situation to start. You can start now. Yeah, anything I missed?

  Gerald Reid  1:12:56

  Use a planner. I was told, make sure we say that. Yeah.

  Alexis Reid  1:13:00

  So use a planner. Yeah, a lot of our clients actually, you know, I wrote this in the book that what my one of my students, he said, in high school, he said, You always told me to write things down, and I didn't realize the impact of it until I started doing it, because I stopped carrying around the stress of trying to remember everything in my head. He's like, I was literally getting anxious, just like, am I forgetting anything? Did I remember everything using all that working memory space? He's like, once I started writing it down, not only did I follow through and do it, but I felt better.

  Gerald Reid  1:13:29

  It's the metaphor of your computer, having the the Internet Explorer or whatever web browser using, having like, 35 different tabs open at the same time and and it drains the the the RAM, which is the ability to process it all. So it's the same. It's a metaphor. You're trying to hold all this information in your head, your brain can't do it, yeah, even if you're good at it, and you're like, oh, I have a good memory, I can remember it. It's draining your energy trying to remember it, just like that computer is having our time holding all those tabs open at the same time. It takes energy, even if it's unconscious, it's like taking up your energy.

  Alexis Reid  1:14:03

  So there's so much more we can talk about. Follow us on social media if you want to learn more, because I'm always sharing little tips like that, but they're, you know, get clear about what tools really help, right? Is it a virtual, digital planner? Is it Siri or or Gemini that you can say, hey, put in this appointment into my schedule. Is it a paper planner? Right? A lot of times, seeing things visually is also like another sensorial cue that reminds us grounding. It's very grounding to be able to have something physically in front of you to remind

  Gerald Reid  1:14:35

  you three dimensions. Yes.

  Alexis Reid  1:14:39

  So the more we can think about what helps the more we can think about who supports us, what supports us, asking good questions, being open and curious and generally, just trying to find your flow. So all of this stuff that can seem very overwhelming and stressful and anxiety provoking. Yeah, maybe we can even find a little joy in this process of like figuring figuring ourselves out and hopefully finding what we like to call purposeful work.

  Gerald Reid  1:15:10

  Yeah, as Maya Angelou said, thriving, not surviving, not just surviving,

  Alexis Reid  1:15:15

  love that. Thanks, Jer and best wishes to everyone going through this process again, if you have questions, or if you want to learn some more tips, follow us. Reach out there are people in your community who want to help, I promise,

  Gerald Reid  1:15:27

  and don't do your homework in your bed. We're gonna have a whole nother episode of Just those tips. I think. Thanks. Lex, great Convo. Thanks. Gerald, be well.

  Gerald Reid

  Thanks for tuning in to the Reid Connect-ED podcast. Please remember that this is a podcast intended to educate and share ideas, but it is not a substitute for professional care that may be beneficial to you at different points of your life. If you are needed support, please contact your primary care physician, local hospital, educational institution, or support staff at your place of employment to seek out referrals for what may be most helpful for you. ideas shared here have been shaped by many years of training, incredible mentors research theory, evidence based practices and our work with individuals over the years, but it's not intended to represent the opinions of those we work with or who we are affiliated with. The reconnected podcast is hosted by siblings Alexis Reid and Dr. Gerald Reid. Original music is written and recorded by Gerald Reid (www.Jerapy.com) recording was done by Cyber Sound Studios. If you want to follow along on this journey with us the Reid Connect-ED podcast. we'll be releasing new episodes every two weeks each season so please subscribe for updates and notifications. Feel free to also follow us on Instagram @ReidConnectEdPodcast that's @ReidconnectEdPodcast and Twitter @ReidconnectEd. We are grateful for you joining us and look forward future episodes. In the meanwhile be curious, be open, and be well. 

S7 E8: Preparing to Launch into the Workforce

In this episode, Gerald and Alexis discuss how young adults can make the most of their years after high school, whether in college or not, to prepare for their future in the workforce and be ready to launch. Life changes in so many ways once you leave the bubble of your childhood and high school environment. This discussion aims to elicit insight and bring about a sense of hope. We explore experiences and challenges that come after high school; strategies to navigate the uncertainty; and insights to make meaning and gain wisdom throughout the journey. Ideas shared come from Gerald's expertise as a practicing psychologist and Alexis’ expertise as an educational therapist and executive function coach working with young adults everyday. 

Summary:

Exploring the changes and uncertainty that comes after High School

Making meaning and gaining wisdom from experiences

Navigating uncertainty and emotional triggers

Executive Function skills to develop

Utilizing resources to grow and adapt

Be curious. Be Open. Be well.

The Reid Connect-Ed Podcast is hosted by Siblings, educational therapist, Alexis Reid, M.A. and licensed psychologist, Dr. Gerald Reid, produced by CyberSound Recording Studios, and original music is written and recorded by www.Jerapy.com

*Please note that different practitioners may have different opinions- this is our perspective and is intended to educate you on what may be possible.